remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
