just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize