Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
