Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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