My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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