did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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