I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
