he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Actions speak louder than pants.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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