there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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