I must be too annoying 4 u.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
