i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
