He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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