He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
