Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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