i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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