So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
