I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
