The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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