I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
