she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
