Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
