i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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