i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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