No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
