i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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