The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
