and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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