As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
