Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
