1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
