I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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