I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
