my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
