he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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