tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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