Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
