my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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