I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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