Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
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