you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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