i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
