I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
