I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Randomize
