Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
