theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
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