He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
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