ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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