JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
