Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
