if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
