Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
