he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
