rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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