Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
