Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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