just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
