Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
