I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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