I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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