So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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