i already hear my dad disowning me
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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