I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
