I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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