I wish they made helmets for livers.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
