Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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