Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
